V:  When God gives you lemons

Like most people without cable, hulu has become my lord and savior in the holy battle against poverty.  Unfortunately, God has given me lemons today, in the form of the first 9 minutes of the new show “V.”  Here are the reasons why I will never watch this show again…ever.

Ak-mak is the preferred snack for hippies as its name suggests a proclivity for the (superficially) eclectic and its high fiber characteristics make it the perfect counterbalance to living a life that’s completely full of shit.  In addition to being one of the most pretentious products available to the general public, it was also the blandest until the writers of V stripped it of its crown.  To clarify, eating Ak-mak is akin to licking sand.  Hearing the dialogue in V is like having your tongue ripped from a frozen pole and then licking sand.  It used to be that you had to travel to New Zealand where you can actually snowboard to a beach to accomplish this feat but luckily for us its now as easy as clicking a button.

The “Zack Efron Syndrome:"  Who needs interesting dialogue when you can pimp your show to the inexhaustible well of adolescent female sexuality?  I’ll tell you who, everybody who is not a 15-year old girl full of sexual angst and lets ignore the fact that trying to get a rise out of minors isn’t subliminal pedophilia. Give me a Steve Buscemi over an Ashton Kutcher any day of the week. 

Emotional disconnect:  I have tried to avoid mentioning any scenes in this show because like most victims of a major trauma, I am still in the stage of denial but for the sake of argument I will relive this brief moment.  Picture this:  one of the main protagonists is standing outside when an F-22 Raptor (jet) falls from the sky crashing into a street in New York.  Seconds later, the pilot comes floating down in his parachute obviously unconscious and upon slamming into the concrete lays prostate in clear need of immediate medical attention.

At this point, any human with a minimally functioning frontal lobe would:
(a) run over to the man and check if he was alright
(b) run over to the man and check if he was alright
(c) at least attempt to call the police
(d) turn around and completely ignore the situation

If you chose option D, you are most likely a writer for the show “V.”  If these are the type of people that I am supposed to relate to then I’d rather just save myself the trouble and watch a show about Nazi’s on the History Channel. 

Review:  4 out of 5 hippy Nazi pedophiles recommend the show “V.”