Holy shit this was the longest goddamned movie I have EVER seen. If I had known I was going to be stepping into an approximately 2 weeklong (or fortnight if you enjoy speaking like a pompous asshole) black hole of boredom that is this film I would have chosen to review something else. And if you think I am joking here is a picture of the polar ice caps before and after I started watching the movie:
The worst part is that the whole time (movie length approx. 20,496 min.) you get the sense that some crazy shit is about to go down in a big way and all you get is some 70 year old dude (Daniel Day Lewis) killing some 35 year old douche (Paul Dano) with a bowling pin. Caution, that last sentence contained a spoiler. First of all, in any other context than behind the wheel of a car, the idea that a senior citizen could kill a middle age man is almost offensive. If I saw some senior citizen charging me with a bowling pin I would first rip off my shirt in a Hulk Hoganesque fashion. I would then flex my pecs producing a shock wave temporarily stunning my decrepit foe. After that I would flying scissor kick his weapon wielding arm off and as salt in the wound I would literally put salt in the wound (Editors note: I always carry salt because I am deathly afraid of witches and hypothyroidism). My finishing move would be to laugh so hard I shit myself.
The concept I can’t grasp is how this film won so many damn awards. I think it would have been more entertaining to watch two frontal lobotomy patients discuss politics with some smooth jazz playing in the background but for some reason everybody and their mother loved this movie. And I know there are plenty of haughty film majors/connoisseurs (Editors note: thank Jesus for spell check and fuck the French. By the way, did you know the word that sounds like ron-dae-voo is spelled ‘rendezvous’? Me neither. I guess that’s what hating freedom gets you, a total breakdown of phonetic spelling.) out there who will claim that it was the beautiful cinematography, incredible acting prowess of the cast, and stylized classic western dialogue elegantly transposed into modern cinema that made it such a masterpiece. Bullshit, these people are completely wrong/French. The only reason that I can see why this film has any merit worthy of award is for the heartless manner in which Daniel Day Lewis berates the deaf (Editors note: Don’t worry, deaf people can’t read this anyways).
I guess my main complaint with the movie was this:
Call me crazy but this kid creeps me the fuck out. There is no doubt in my mind that Paul Dano’s birth involved some sort of violent popping out of some unfortunate SOB’s torso and if not that then his mother’s vaginal dilation pills must have stopped working shortly after his head crowned from the birth canal. You would think that the director would have had the mercy to balance out the freakish looks of Dano with some hot females giving each other tongue baths but unfortunately this is not the case. I was going to upload a picture of hot females giving each other tongue baths but when you type “female tongue love” into google the results are fantastic…but not in the way that conveys a sense of class that I try to uphold in all of my writings.
