It has been scientifically proven that 1 out of 3 people in the United States has a boner for the trilogy Lord of the Rings (aka LOTR in computer science language). Therefore, it is understandable that the movie Eragon with its emphasis on dragons and a teenage youths struggle to cope with an abrupt transition to maturity would spark the interests of the average American consumers/compel them to see the movie. I personally did not experience this but unfortunately my grandfather did and decided to drag me along with him to what turned out to be a huge shit show of intellectual property theft. The movie’s plot goes as follows: 1 part LOTR, 1 part Dragon Heart, 2 parts shitty uncoordinated battle scenes from The Chronicles of Narnia, and 10 parts diarrhea. This movie was based off of the writing/plagiarism of Christopher Paolini who wrote the book while still in high school.
This is the bastard that took 7 dollars and 2 hours of my life from me.
I have included this photo of Christopher Paolini so if you ever see him you can pelt him with rocks or any projectile you can acquire. I know that some of you are thinking, "But Dan, its not his fault the movie was shitty, blame the directors." And I reply with, "No!" I sat for two hours in a movie theater packed with people who I am certain play World of Warcraft and masturbate to anime porn. For two hours I stared blankly into a screen that seemed to rape my eyes with every passing frame. For two hours I plotted how I would repay my grandfather for what he had done to me. This is a picture of my half way through the movie.
My thoughts at this time:
1. Did Paolini really think a female vegetarian dragon would pass as interesting?
2. I mean really?
3. This is more depressing than Schindler's List.
4. There isn't a single black person in this movie. Paolini is such a racist.
That is the most defeated you will ever see me. Since my experience I have joined several support groups and with just a little more work my therapist says I'll be fine in a few weeks.
STEVEN: I refuse to see this movie.
