Dear, sweet, Jesus... Whose mind is such a dark and unholy place as to think of a movie like this? Who thinks in these terms and isn't a mass murderer?

I don't ever want to meet M. Night Shyamalan. I'm afraid that any eye contact with him would give him control of my nightmares. This may make it sound like the film is scary or some high point in the history of horror films, but it really isn't. I wouldn't even classify it as horror; more horrific. Shyamalan has a habit of making films with interesting ideas that get resolved or rather further unresolved through some rather foreseeable and simplistic event. The Happening is a little different in that the reason why the most disturbing things you could ever possibly imagine are happening is made pretty clear in the beginning. Basically: the world, and particulary plants, hate our guts and want to see us die in the most cringe inducing ways possible.

That's the gist of it. Something happens, for lack of a better word and whatever it is, it makes people stand still, walk backwards and then kill themselves. I'm no psychologist, but I would say, that a person who spends his days thinking of elaborate and gory ways to commit suicide has a severe problem. The story itself is paper thin. Mark Wahlberg plays a rather trepidatious man in a sinking marriage who just has to run from the suicide deal with his weird wife (Zooey Deschanel). The withering marriage part equals maybe 4 minutes of the total screen time and does nothing at all to further the characters or the story. But thank the God of mercy for these short reprieves in the film, because when they start talking about their problems, you thankfully get a break from people sticking their heads in industrial lawnmowers or skewering their jugulars with a hair pin.

If watching hordes of people commit suicide isn't enough to turn you off, the way the suicides are filmed will be. I have no problem with bad guys getting brained or monsters being decapitated, but when your friendly neighbor chops his own body into fine parts, it's a bit different. Shyamalan milks the disgusting for all it's worth. You know the lawnmower is going to run the guy over and it's going to be messy. Most film goers would do with a quick shot of blood spurting, but that is not what you will get. You get an extended shot of the lawnmower churning through half the man's body. I've never been a real horror fan, but I know that horror enthusiasts are a lot like porn enthusiasts. Without the money shot, there is no satisfaction to be had. Well, The Happening is like Bukkake. It's a bit extreme. But maybe some guys out there bit their quivering lower lip and exhaled longingly as the lawnmower blades reached the man's pelvis.

All in all The Happening is wholeheartedly depressing and terrifically blunt. As blunt as the billboard in the film declaring "you deserve this!" Mark Wahlberg is always fantastic and does not disappoint in this film, as he plays a kinder gentler version of his character in Three Kings. The rest of the performances by Zooey and John Leguizamo leave one wanting.