The Spider Man 3 Movie Review:  The math just doesn’t add up:

The Formula:

 +  +  =
           
Proof 1: Need I say more? (Editors note: Buy Kirsten mosquito repellent)

 ≠
           
Proof 2: Dark Spiderman? No that would be way too badass, let’s make him emo. (Editors note: Microsoft word does not recognize the word emo.  Why?  Refer to exhibit 1)

 =  =
(Exhibit 1: unacceptable)

Proof 3: Venom is the tits, Topher is not.  (Editors note: Replace “not” with “a flaming pussy”)

If:

 =

And:

 =

Then:

 ≠

Proof 4:

 =

FIN

STEVEN: It pains me that I did not enjoy this movie. So it also pains me to write this review. I'm not a raving comic book fan, I just know the surface knowledge. But one of the things that every person who has this knowledge knows; is that the story of Venom and Spiderman is easily the most dramatic and just plain awesome. I have had dreams of a Spiderman movie with Venom since I heard of the first one being in production. When I heard he was going to be a villain in number 3, I sought fervently on the internet to find pictures of him. And I thought he looked damn cool.

The movie is not cool. It is kitsch. There were so many people at the theater to see it on the day after opening, that they were letting people take their pick from 2 different theaters. Unfortunatley I chose the one that the PG crowd was allured to. I immediately wondered if the movie was PG. It's not. It's PG-13, but it could very easily have been PG.

Let me say, that I extremely enjoyed the first 2. This third one is not of the same caliber. The story goes all over the place with characters changing sides and kicking each other's butts more often than it slips into some terribly choreographed, over-lit, tawdry, soap opera-dialogued, God-awful scene. Because of this overload of kitsch, the essence of the story revolving around the battle of good and evil within one man (or rather every single damned character in the film) becomes unbearable and very unbelievable.

Then Venom comes in. And then he's gone again. He's only there for the final battle which is thinned down by the same awfulness that the rest of the film was laden with. Director, Sam Raimi, is obsessed with showing the side of New York that is uncontrollably in love with Spiderman. He cuts incessantly away, from the what could have been groundbreaking aerial battle, to show a massive NY crowd observing the spectacle and in particular a poorly acted TV reporter who tells us exactly what we are watching. With passion! The level of unnecessary cheapening to the spectacularness that it all could have been maxes out at this point and I begin to wonder where the hell Venom is. The battle becomes so wrought with the evil becoming good theme that the battle of all superhero battles becomes just plain weak. I never thought this could happen. It's Venom! There are so many awesome things about him! However, he would just disappear for minutes on end while Spiderman and Green Goblin worked out their melodrama.

I'm done. This review has boiled into a tirade. The terribleness of films usually makes me laugh and in a way makes them enjoyable, but Spiderman 3 was inexcusable.